There Is No Heaven Like a Good Marriage...

...and no hell like a bad one.

Once upon a time, my occupation was  "family law attorney." That means I have seen many, many bad marriages. I must say that it made me appreciate my own wonderful husband more, but the work I did often left me wondering if we were the only happy couple left in America.  Some days it seemed like I was drowning in a sea of other people's lies, infidelity and hostility.

Lately, though, I've noticed an opposite trend on Facebook. A number of friends and family members have been posting about their happy marriages. Not in a braggy way, or a grandiose, he-swept-me-off-to-Paris-for-the-weekend way. More like a vacation picture where the wife is smiling at her photographer husband with a look of pure abiding affection.  A happy status update from a friend whose husband snapped and sent her pictures as he drove through Chicago because he knows she loves road trip pictures. Today is my cousin's eighteenth wedding anniversary, and he and his wife posted such sweet thoughts about it that you could just feel how connected they are, and know that eighteen years is just a warm-up for them. They are in it for the long haul, and they are feeling really good about it.

I'm feeling really good about it, too. I love having a marriage in which my husband and I complete each other's sentences and quote our favorite TV show (The West Wing) and movies (The Incredibles, The Shawshank Redemption) to each other.  I love it that when he's getting us coffee, he pours mine first. I love being able to make lunch for him when he's running late in the morning so that he won't have to buy one.

I wish marriages like these for all my unmarried friends and family members. The movies are full of grand romantic gestures. Grand romantic gestures are wonderful, as long as they're not intended to distract from the fact that, day-to-day, things aren't all that great. Never marry someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Never marry someone who says snarky things about you, and then says, "I was only joking," when you call them on it.  Never, EVER marry someone who tells you how lucky you are to have them or that if they left you you no one else would want you. I don't care how spectacular the sex is or how much money they make.

I once had a boyfriend who, early in our relationship, brought me wonton soup when I had a cold. Nice enough. He brought it in an ambulance (he was a paramedic), lights and sirens blaring as he drove down my street. Grand gesture.

I let the big showy gesture blind me to other things. Like that he still shared an apartment with his ex-girlfriend. Who didn't like me spending the night because it made her uncomfortable walking around in her underwear. And the fact that my boyfriend's response to that was to walk me to my car before I left for the evening from then on. Most of the time.

Uh-huh. Would you believe that that relationship didn't end until he ended it? Not one of my prouder moments.

Marry someone that you put first because you want to, because he always puts you first.  Marry someone who brings you soup when you're sick and doesn't make a big deal about it. Marry someone who looks at poor pitiful sick you, with your raw nose and your greasy hair and your ratty sweatshirt, and gets a moony look all over his face. Marry someone who makes you feel so beloved every day that when Valentine's Day rolls around, it doesn't really matter if you celebrate it or not. Marry someone who would pick up tampons or Preparation H for you without flinching.

Don't marry someone that you think you could live with for the rest of your life.  Marry someone you can't imagine living without.

Comments

[paul mezhir]

When you find your "MFPITWW" you know it. Thanks for being so wise....I'm proud to have you as a friend.

[May]

I want my daughters to stop by and read this. The whole piece is just so wise, but the closing sentences are just superb!

[Julie]

Yup. I am now absolved from giving my children relationship advice - I am sending them to you instead. Done and done.

[Dianabrown458]

My name is Diana, I was in a really great relationship with Ben and we have loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years, every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2012 a day I can call a lovers day we both had a huge fight because I answered a call from my Ex that has asking me out again recently but I refused. Ben told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused, I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me. However, my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favour in most of her endeavour but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love Ben very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman. So I ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all Ben came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster cause I made that promise to him, Prophet of Goddess.I should have testified in a long time now..as a matter of some months ago..but I wanted to give this comment out when I was fully confident that things are working out well after six months and we are in the 7 month now since then. if you need his help you can contact him on prophetofgoddess@yahoo.com or view his website www.prophetofgoddess.com