In which I singlehandedly solve the childhood obesity epidemic and the pretentious baby name epidemic

In the '50s, '60s, and '70s there was no childhood obesity epidemic. There was no childhood obesity epidemic because children were active. Children were active because they played outside. They played outside because they had time to. They had time to because they weren't being shuttled from Tae Kwon Do to piano lessons to Spanish class. They weren't being shuttled from Tae Kwon Do to cello lessons to Spanish class because those things didn't exist. Those things didn't exist because parents didn't think they needed to. Parents didn't think they needed to because the kids were already perfectly happy and well-adjusted playing sandlot baseball and freeze tag in the park down the block.

Kids could play in the park down the block because they had wholesome, normal names like Jimmy and Bobby and Debbie and Susie. When your mom leans out the back door and yells, "Bobbyyyyyyyy!" that carries all the way down the street, and you come running. Which further contributes to your fitness.

Do me a favor. Go to your back door and try to yell Jaden or Addison or Creston or Paris. Kinda sticks in your throat like a hairball, doesn't it? You can't get a kid home from the park with that kind of name. Hell, you can't even get a kid to drop his DS by yelling one of those sissy names. Want a well-adjusted, rosy-cheeked, active kid? Give 'em a nice normal name that will carry across at least four back yards, with a lawnmower running in one of them.

Think about it. You know I'm onto something here.

If only I'd thought of this before I'd named my kids (sniffy English prep-school name) and (sniffy Jane Austen heroine name).

Comments

[Hoo]

I did what you said, and a neighbor's dog came running.

[Missie]

When speaking with my new, very young pregnant sisinlaw about naming their baby, I told her, "Sometime when you are home alone, stand in the living room and yell out your prospective baby name at the top of your lungs. If it flows nicely, then that's the name you should choose. Because believe me, you will be yelling that name for several decades."

She looked at me dead in the eye and said the following:
"See, that's where we differ. I choose to come to my baby from a standpoint of love, not anger."

I.Kid.You.Not.

After I stifled my laughter, I said, "Great. Good for you. Let me know how that works out for ya."

Needless to say, in the ensuing two years, she has yelled at her child...alot. I don't stifle my laughter any more.

[Allie]

please tell me you are back... frequently.
I did name my kids, normal ordinary classic names. Unfortunaly they all begin with M so I end up yelling "michaelmatthewmichelleMMAARRKKK!" you are so right. We should look at how people are acting and how young america is now and go back to more time at home, stop the extra curricular activities, have dinner together and stop the madness.

[Headless Mom]

So funny.

And Missie is on to something, too. Wish I'd heard that, although my kid's names do roll off the tongue well at high decibels.

[Phoenix Auto glass repair]

I remember those days. I hope to be active with my son when he gets old enough. You are right about the neighborhood. But thank god My son has a normal name... Thanks for your thoughts and smiles. Take care.

[Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)]

My husband insisted on "family" names. Being that we are both the youngest, the names we were left with were Edna and Otto. Needless to say, we dug deep into the family tree and found Anna and James (Jimmie). And I was called in by the use of a cowbell, so your theory stands because back in the 70s, "Alison" was one of "those" names.

[Margi]

I think Jane Austen names yell just fine. My cats are called Miss Darcy and Miss Tilney and we do great.