Mother's Day: The Rules

1. I do not require the purchase of a gift to celebrate this holiday.
2. Mother's Day cards by Crayola are preferable to those by Hallmark. If you're just itching to spend five bucks, bring me a giant latte instead.
3. If you feel compelled to purchase me a gift, please do not make the mistake of thinking gift cards are impersonal. Gift cards don't say, "I'm not creative or caring enough to choose a gift for you." They fairly sing, "Take a few hours and choose something for yourself with your impeccable taste. I'll watch the kids."
4. If that still seems wrong, and you need to buy an actual gift, in the name of all that is holy, please don't buy anything else with "silk" flowers that are larger than my  head. Remember last year? 'Kay.
5. Also: Every year you ask me what I want for Mother's Day, and every year I say a rope hammock and stand. It's okay if you're not going to get it, but then stop asking.
6. Speaking of gifts, and I know this doesn't relate to Mother's Day directly, but what the hell is this "push present" trend that's apparently gaining traction? Know what we got back at the dawn of the millennium for giving birth? A baby. If you need a bracelet from Tiffany as incentive, you are going to be very, very disappointed with parenthood.
7. What I really want for Mother's Day is to not have to be the effing cruise director. I don't care if all we do is go to Burger King for a Croissanwich, I don't want to be the one to have to arrange it, approve it, or make sure we've packed crayons and hand sanitizer and Kleenex and EpiPens.
8. I'm warning you in advance, if anyone says it's no fair that there is a Mother's Day and not a Kid's Day, my head is going to explode, and I am not cleaning it up. Know what they call a day when kids get their food purchased, prepared to order and served, their clothes washed, pressed and put away, and their home cleaned while they put up their feet and watch a little Spongebob? Every day. Spot the old lady 24 hours, willya?
9. When you tell me not to worry about the cooking, cleaning, laundry, or dishes, I want the implication to be "because your loving husband and kids will take care of all that today," not, "because it will still be there tomorrow."
10. Why is it that on Father's Day, when Dad's been at work away from his family all week, the watchword is, "Leave Daddy alone, he's relaxing," but the assumption on Mother's Day, when Mom's been taking care of the kids all week, that Mommy couldn't bear to spend a minute away from her little darlings? It's not like I want to roadtrip to Vegas by myself or anything, but I wouldn't mind a peaceful half-hour in my rope hammock to savor those hand-drawn cards. Just saying.

Comments

[Erin]

Well said. AMEN!

[alyssa]

lol... every time we asked why there wasn't a kids' day, we were told that EVERY day was kids' day.

[Alison]

I couldn't have said it better myself! I think I'll read this to Justin tonight. ;-)

[Headless Mom]

I know a Headless Dad that will be finding this in his in-box tomorrow...

BTW-what are your plans for DSSMD? I linked you on Monday:

http://headlessfamily5.blogspot.com/2008/05/have-you-made-your-plans-yet.html

[Missie]

And why aren't you a New York Times Best Selling Author yet? Because this was flippin brilliant.

[Missie]

p.s. My push presents were a big ole c-section scar and a butt the size of Cleveland.

[Salome Ellen]

Amen! Preach it sistah!

[Kelly]

You need to bitch at your hubby more. I whine all the time about how hard this job is and how much the kids are driving me up the everloving wall and he KNOWS that if there's a spare moment that he can watch them and I can run. I RUN.

[julie]

I am going to print this out and tape copies to everything in the garage. Maybe somebody will see it.

[Caroline]

Holla, whoot, and a-friggin-MEN. You hit it right on the ole head!

Soon after I married Warren, I realized that my future would hold no push presents, anniversary bands, "journey" necklaces, right-hand rings, or other clever attempts by the DeBeers cartel to make husbands cough up bank for more diamonds. Any attempts to whine, cajole, wheedle, or otherwise change that outcome are met with, "You got your diamond. Maybe your next husband will buy that for you." At least he's open about it.

[landismom]

Heh. I might just have to forward this to my husband. Especially the part about NOT WANTING TO PLAN WHAT WE DO FOR MOTHER'S DAY!

[Cheryl Burgess]

I have one to add: If you are planning to make me breakfast in bed, please deliver it no earlier than 7 a.m.

[The End of Motherhood?]

"Croissanwich"???? That has GOT to be a new low in foodstuffs...

[Toad]

rrrrrr!

[allie]

amen to them all but especially #9. Btw, it is not helpful to wash loads of laundry, but not get around to folding and putting them all away.arrg

[Hoo]

Happy Mother's Day. This is going in someone's briefcase.

[Nancy]

You rock, Becki!

[Cathy B]

So glad someone else's push present is a big butt, too!

As always, well said!!!!

[colwebmom]

lol! This is such a funny blog...

[JenniferB]

OH you are so right here! The only thing I can add is that when they ask me what I want for mother's day and then he tells me what HE would want and then that is what he gets for *me* -- he sucks. Otherwise I agree with everything you said here!

[Dianna]

*AMEN* !!!!!

When they write the Hubby manual, this should SO be in it...who am I kidding...they'd never read the d*mn thing anyway.