1. You don’t get to watch TV until you’re dressed, your teeth are brushed, and your bed is fixed.
2. You may then watch as much TV as you wish, so long as you have spent an equivalent amount of time reading or doing math worksheets.
3. Otherwise, TV time is at the sole discretion of the mother.
4. Your father spends 70 hours a week slaving to pay the mortgage on a house that has a big, safe yard. If you’re bored, go find something to do in it.
5. Speaking of slaves, I am not one. So don’t be throwing your toys, Popsicle wrappers, and sandwich crusts on the floor and expecting me to pick them up.
6. Speaking of Popsicles: the song of the ice cream truck is not a mandatory call to worship. I’ve got the same ice cream pops in my freezer. If you need music with your ice cream, I’ll be happy to sing “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” while I make you wait for one.
7. Just because you don’t have to be up at 7:30 anymore doesn’t mean you get to stay up and watch Letterman. Deal with it.
8. You have one living sibling, and I’m not making any more. Please do not push, pinch, bite, grab, maul, slug, shake, hit, punch, scratch, stab or otherwise injure your sole sibling, or you alone will be responsible for changing my Depends when I’m 90.
9. If you are displeased with the conduct of your sibling or an edict from your parent, please express your displeasure with respectful words and carefully modulated tones, not with grunts, whimpers, or, God help you, whining.
10. Screaming is allowed. But only by me.